As I sit here and over think the rules and stipulations of writing thoughts and beginning a blog, I just laugh at myself because it is precisely this over thinking that has sat me down in this chair. Am I doing this correctly? Am I doing everything I can to ensure that I am portraying myself exactly how I want? Is this going to be understood? Is this logical? Is this good, smart, controlled? Control.
Lately, I have spent time with a group of people who have demonstrated to me what it means to be open and to share with one another. They all are gifted and talented in different ways that are shown through writing, art, music, and even just communication or conversation. Their willingness to allow others to enter into these things with them challenges me as I reflect on how hard I try to keep people from entering into things with me. I try not to reveal my emotion or what’s deep in my heart because in that vulnerability I am easily left defenseless. This is not only present through my own artistry, but just in how I open myself to people in general. It often seems easier if I pretend those things do not stir my heart. Emotionless.
In so many ways, I try really hard to control every emotion that comes up in me. If it’s not logical, why bother? If I am at point A and need to get to point B, why bother with the space in between the two? If I allow myself to feel the emotion of that space does that not reveal weakness? And in the honesty of feeling that emotion am I not, once again, left defenseless?
I have been thinking that I may have a problem. It mainly lies in the fact that I do have emotions, quite a few in fact. Shocking, I know. Deeper still and, in my opinion, the larger problem is how I have kept so many people at arm’s length (but the arm’s length of someone who has longer arms than me, because mine are too short to really give a good picture of this…) because I fear being know. Fear.
So, here I am. I’ve decided (because I’m still in control, of course) that I will let myself feel and I will begin to learn how to let people in. I cannot say I really know how to, but I figure I can take a first step. I will share through my art. The following lyrics or the following poem (I’m not quite sure it’s a poem because I can’t really say I know much about poetry, or the rules. Heck, maybe it’s poetry. Maybe poetry doesn’t have rules when it comes down to it. Maybe I need to let go of needing rules and guidelines…) reflect some emotions I’ve been having. It reflects a lot of the thoughts I have been having lately and I plan on delving into some of these thoughts as I continue on this little experiment of sharing who I am…
How My Soul Moves
There’s a fear that grips me,
The pouring out of one’s self.
A heart moves and longs, for what?
It does and does not know
There’s uncertainty that unnerves me,
The choice to shed every layer.
A soul moves and longs for more,
To know and to be known.
Oh, to feel how my soul moves
But how my heart remains contained
Oh, I know how my soul moves
To know the heart that’s in those eyes
Nothing makes it easy,
It will never be safe,
But I know my soul moves.
This heart is beginning to quake.
Oh, how my soul moves to love
By pouring out,
In uncertainty,
After every layer shed,
Uncontained.
No comments:
Post a Comment